‘I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.’ Oscar Wilde.
Ah, advice. Love it, hate it, take it, ignore it – we all fancy ourselves as good at giving it… to other people. Why is it that we’re full of inspiration to everyone but when it comes to ourselves, any old rubbish will do? Well, we can look to Solomon’s Paradox for some answers and, well, advice.
King Solomon, the wise old sage and King of Egypt, was revered by many for his words of guidance. People would travel far and wide to seek his counsel and the wisdom he imparted. The great irony of course being that King Solomon’s private life was in essence, a bit of a shit show. Poor parenting, sinful indulgences and flagrant greed created a build up of poor decision making causing his kingdom to come crushing down. Sound familiar?
Ok fair enough, you may not have your team members walking for days down dusty roads to hear your latest prophecies on performance management (one day, sure) whilst secretly raising your children or pets to become tyrannical leaders, but you probably can identify with the fact that it seems we’re all far wiser with other people’s problems than we are with those of our own. The counsel we give to our friends, family, peers will often be calmer, more structured and broader in its thinking than it ever is for ourselves. Why is that and what can we do about it to support ourselves better? Why do we feel we are less deserving of balance and compassion than others?
Grossman and Kross (2014) conducted psychological research concluding that distancing the self provides a far higher quality of self-advice given and can stop our inner critic ruminating and building up more momentum and power. The concept being that by providing some mindful and mental ‘distance’ between yourself and your self, there’s better clarity to be found.
Think about a problem you’re having right now that has stuck itself firmly in your mind. The one that creeps up on you as you close your eyes or taps you on the shoulder in the middle of that film you’re really not concentrating on. Imagine now that you’re no longer talking to yourself in the first person ‘I feel… I just think…I’m worried that… I can’t…’ and instead switch to the third person. You are no longer you. View yourself now as you would a friend or peer. See yourself as you are, through distanced eyes.
Right let’s use an entirely hypothetical example: so let’s say I’ve spent the best part of an evening now mulling over some disappointing poor performance at work with a colleague I feel should be following guidance better than they currently are. I’m feeling torn between wanting to show compassion and empathy alongside knowing I’ve provided the support. Switching between the two relentlessly leaves me frustrated, concerned and questioning my own approach. Perhaps I wasn’t clear. Why wasn’t I clear? I’ve been actively working on clarifying purpose and delivery… I might need to restructure that entire training next time if it landed muddily. But then it seemed to work for the other team members… Maybe I was clear and they just weren’t as engaged as I’d have hoped. Hmmm. Why wouldn’t they be? Come to think of it how’ve they been in the last few sessions? Or maybe it’s a suggestion that they’re –
Stop there, that’s quite enough.
What a monumental drain of energy that thought process has become. By this point, your evening has been half-lived, you’ve zombied your way through a meal and barely managed to string a sentence together to your loved ones.
So let’s try some third person magic. Here goes, turn that cringe dial right up.
“Ok, Jess, I can see you’re wasting energy on this now and you’re about to ruin the last few hours of your evening for yourself and those around you so I suggest you remember all the experience you have in this area to regain your confidence. The training delivered was clear – evidenced by results overall however it’s worth monitoring this skill area with the one colleague more closely to assess whether or not this is an issue that needs picking up. Make a note to return to this in two weeks when you’ve given them more chance to use said skill, offering gentle reminders to the team as appropriate. If this is still a concern, add to your 1:1 agenda. Until then, nothing else needs to be done.”
A quick talking to to stop the flow of self-sabotage is key to jolting yourself back to some self-awareness and starting a more constructive and kinder ‘conversation’ to get to the problem solving mode quicker. If a friend told you a problem they were having, the chances of you spending the next 2-4 hours listing all the other times they’d done something similarly ‘wrong’ and reminding them of non-related, highly judgemental character flaws is slim to none so we’re not going to do that to ‘us’ in this situation either. That’s not to say we should be a pushover or sycophant to ourselves but offering the reasoned common ground we give to others at the drop of a hat.
My internal monologue (dialogue?) would continue to ask myself (anyone else feeling a little dizzy) why I felt this way, what evidence I had for these thoughts. It would remind me of times I’d dealt with far worse, far more serious issues and handled them with integrity and skill and I’d offer a few clear cut plans of action to try. Tomorrow. Not tonight.
I’d remind myself again (no matter what the problem I’m having is) that now isn’t the right time to invest energy here. That actually, I’m better focusing on something entirely different and instead quickly jotting down these action points ready to try with fresh eyes tomorrow.
Sounds easy, albeit a touch manic? I (we) agree! But anything that can conserve our energies, limit our unnecessary self-flagellation and help us recognise our strengths is worth a go in my book. Let me know if it works for you!
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0956797614535400
Featured image from Pinterest.
Finding Our Words 