When your health is unexpectedly at risk it can take a long time to process. More recently, I’ve started to reflect on what I learned from my experience with the rare condition Cauda Equina and recovering from back surgery whilst newly single-handedly running a business. Despite this being a personal topic, in the hope it can help someone in any kind of chronic pain or health crisis – here goes…
After some sudden back pain over Christmas 2019, it was only when I had to pull onto the motorway hard shoulder in agony – to be shouted at by a police officer! – that a trip to A&E turned into emergency back surgery and days in hospital. A slipped disc was pressing on my nerves and without surgery within 48 hours I risked losing the ability to walk amongst many other things. I was lucky, and after surgery I was only left with back pain and damaged nerves resulting in loss of sensation in my right lower leg.
Physically, this was a journey in itself over the following months. Unable to drive, I had to get used to relying on taxis to work (hence now knowing all possible small talk with strangers), needing help to get dressed and ready each day, using litter pickers to reach for anything on the floor (thanks for that idea mum!) sleeping with specialist pillows in order manage pain, taking half an hour just to walk down a corridor and delving into acupuncture, water therapy and physiotherapy and every herbal treatment possible (turmeric, protein powders, vitamin C, cherry extract, the list was endless).
Mentally it was another challenge that kept changing on a weekly basis. What I assumed would be just weeks, turned into months of recovery. With my codirector and sister Sam about to head into her maternity leave, the option of working from home felt untenable – remember, this is pre-Zoom! Therefore, after just a couple of days ‘resting’ (any business owner knows that it’s impossible to not need to know what’s happening every second of each day at work), I headed back into the office and tried to just pick up as normal.
First mistake. My head was not in the game at all despite how much I wanted it to be. I felt like a total imposter; emotionally fragile and not knowing who or where to ask for support. As a leader you can get sucked into the trap of having to always appear in control and unflappable, when in reality it’s not helpful to anyone and inevitably doesn’t allow for best performance. I felt that showing emotion would be interpreted as weakness and I was determined to show I could handle it all. In a bid to ensure that business didn’t suffer I put every bit of energy I had into work and left nothing for my recovery or personal life. Mistake two.
After several weeks burning out, and trying badly to manage a mass of emotions that seemed to change constantly, I chose to speak to a therapist to carve out a space for some honesty and practical advice. This taught me the value of being able to ask for help and luckily, we’d put a strong enough team around us to be able to get that support back – shout out to our amazing J’adore Family!
Realising I didn’t have to always put on a brave face was a big turning point. I’m a huge believer in spreading positivity where you can but I didn’t realise it wasn’t expected 24/7 and it can become toxic when setting unrealistic standards to yourself and others. It was a great opportunity to learn where I needed more boundaries to say no both professionally and personally. It helped me recognise I had a tendency to jump in and help people when it wasn’t always needed. Learning to loosen that support and trust that my team knew what they were doing, and that when they didn’t, they’d ask for my advice, allowed everyone to spread their wings further and grow in their own confidence. For those that know me, this was tough! After a decade of being a secondary school teacher, it’s almost a compulsion to get involved in development but instead I forced myself to step back and wait… as much as I could.
The next lesson I needed to learn was further strengthening the team with more expertise – welcome two new members of staff to embolden our skillset. When you’ve started your own business from scratch, investing in new staff isn’t a quick process or quick fix. You’re trusting people with your hopes, dreams and vision and asking your family of colleagues, models and clients to invest. Excuse the crap metaphor here but your business is your baby and you only want the best around it. It took a few months to find the right people for the roles needed, so we welcomed a new front of house and our head of social media and there was no looking back.
Pain was a constant issue but a new stand-up / sit down desk (and secret step machine under the desk – sorry for anyone that witnessed my bobbing up and down!) helped incredibly. If you have back pain, I can’t recommend this enough. I played around with my working hours to try and avoid long journeys stuck in traffic so strong communication and handovers really helped here. Working from home didn’t feel like an option in that context however in hindsight it could have been a wise move. Weekly meetings took even more structure to ensure we were all, always on the same page.
As a natural control freak, I read every article and book and listened to every podcast on the connections between stress and physical pain. #chooseyourstress has always been a mantra in the office however this experience offered a new perspective and fresh reminder on what is really important in life. Happiness and health have to come before anything and there really isn’t anything more important than that.
Finally came the real saviour: Dolly the Teacup Pomeranian.
Forcing me away from my desk regularly and walking more she’s become my own little yappy therapist ever since!
Now two years on, I know that I should’ve taken more time and gathered my support network sooner but what matters is that with the help of an amazing team which has grown more and more, this challenge taught me important life lessons that I’ll never lose.
Key Takeaways:
- Be honest about your limitations and emotions around that.
- Stay focused on short term action plans to not become overwhelmed with the longer term goals.
- Gather your support network and be explicit about your needs.
- Set boundaries between personal and professional time.
- Get expert help if you need it – there’s no shame whatsoever in not knowing how to manage your emotions and wanting to be better.
- Be flexible with your time – ditch ‘the normal’ and accept change as quickly as you can so you’re not constantly comparing you now to you then.
- Be kind to yourself. Make peace with the fact there will be times of frustration, disappointment, anger and some self-pity. Acknowledge this and lean into those moments, then breathe deeply and move on.
Back to Life (penguin.co.uk) Great read – super interesting and a good reminder to be kind to yourself and the science behind that.
SKARSTA white, Desk sit/stand, 120×70 cm – IKEA (not advertising! However this is what I use and by alternating approx every hour, it hugely helps with chronic pain).
Title image from: cauda_equina.jpg (1920×1182) (fletchersseriousinjury.com)
Finding Our Words 
